if you’ve ever spoken to a poker player about what it feels like to win/lose you’ve no doubt heard all of this before, but it’s something that i’m beginning to understand in a way i never have before, so i’m gonna take a minute to write about it.

yesterday i started off losing more money in a shorter period of time than i ever have before. i was mad. i was mad at my opponents for their awful plays that cost me money. i was mad at the site for dealing such terrible beats. most importantly, though, i was mad at myself for not being able to handle it. i felt physically ill and wanted smash something (sorry to my bed for the beating i delivered to it). anyone that knows me would probably have been shocked to see the state i was in. i was about as miserable as i’ve ever been.

after about 3 separate sessions of this i decided to put my headphones on and take a walk. i listened to an audio book i had just purchased from iTunes and by the time i got back i felt like myself again.

the next few hours of playing went about as well as you could possibly ask for. i made back about double what i had lost.

in most other things in my life, the highs have been about equal to the lows. when i ran competitively in high school it felt just about as good to win as it felt bad to lose. when taking auditions the joy of being accepted was pretty much equal to the disappointment of rejection. i could go on but you get the point.

poker is different for me though. winning doesn’t feel good. it doesn’t feel bad, but you won’t find me skipping around the room, elated that my opponents made such terrible mistakes that made me money. i feel relieved when i win.

i hope by the time i am able to quit poker it has taught me how to deal with the low points of my life better. i almost look forward to the next opportunity i get deal with a downswing because by the time it’s over and i begin to win again, i think i’ll actually feel a little joy that i was able to handle it all.

back to the grind.

the title pretty much says it all. i don’t think i’ve ever immersed myself this much in the game before, and i have kind of mixed feelings about it.

on one hand, i’m really proud of myself for working hard and not giving up. the truth is that i have essentially been break even (no profit) over my last 3,000 games and i was becoming incredibly discouraged. after the first 1,000 i really started to buckle down and focus on getting better. then, things just got worse, and i became so frustrated i could barely manage a logical thought. i was working hard, and still losing. after about 2,000 games i broke down and paid for some coaching. i fixed a few things and ran hot initially, then it was back downhill again. the coaching thing wasn’t working for me for a number of reasons, so i started seeking some help from some other people. some of the things they noticed about my play have really stuck with me and i finally feel like i’m playing very well again. the first 500 games have been great and to be honest, i think i’m going to be crushing again very soon.

now, on the other hand, all i wanna do is take a break. i’ve played more poker this month than i have in any other month and haven’t had a day off in like 3 weeks. it’s been incredibly draining. the problem, however, is that i’m incredibly broke (see part about breakeven over 3k games above) and i need to keep chuggin’ along. pokerstars is going to be offering a discount on a cash bonus on jan 31st and in order for me to have enough points to purchase it, i need to complete exactly 364 games within the next 65 hours. i’ve been averaging 100 games a day for the last 2 weeks, so this is not going to be easy for me. i simply cannot afford to pass this up, however, so it’s gonna get done. mark my words. after it is, i plan on taking at least one day off, maybe two.

i really don’t like setting profit goals, but i want to make $10k in february. i think my best month was ~$3k in october, so this is a pretty lofty goal for me. it’s going to take a lot of games, and an increase in limits, but i’m putting it out there. it’s time yardle does some damage in other areas of his life and $10k would be a huge help in so many ways.

i guess i’ll leave you with that for now. coming up, i’m going to start posting some links to different sites, articles, and threads i’ve been reading. some are poker related and some are not. i’ve also been considering making a video of me playing, just to give my non-poker playing readers a glimpse of what all this rambling has been about. if you think that might be something interesting/entertaining to watch, let me know, and i’ll get to it sooner rather than later.

haven’t updated in a while so here’s a quick one for ya.

poker:
i find it humorous that i set out to play 130 games a day this month. i probably haven’t even played 130 total yet. the reason why is because i’ve been 6-tabling and haven’t put too many hours into playing. most of my poker time has been spent working in some new software that i got and chatting with some other players about my game.

the funny thing is is that i haven’t been studying icm much at all, but my game has improved a ton. basically i realized that i had become a shovebot and that’s why i was getting called so light by randoms all the time. they see some idiot shoving so many chips all the time and they think K high or QJ is good. although i welcome them into the pot with open arms when they get their chips in behind like that, it was causing me to survive a TON of showdowns, which i don’t necessarily want. most of the time i just want them to fold.

so i’ve been working on a new style of play and i think it’s going to work nicely for me. i hope to pick up my volume soon but i’m going to give myself ample time to get comfortable with this new style.

life:
not much to report on this front. my daily routine of eat, gym, poker, eat, poker, eat, sleep has remained unchanged for the most part. i’ve started my workout program over from the beginning again which means i’m lifting heavier weights at lower reps. i’m really surprised at how much more i’m able to lift now. yesterday i completed 4 sets of 4 at 175lbs on the flat bench. not bad for a dude who weighs in at a measly 158 i think i’m also ready for two 45 lb plates on each side squat too. it’s crazy to think how much bigger and stronger i’ve gotten since i started lifting.

in an effort to balance the brain with the brawn, i’ve become addicted to wnyc’s podcast ‘radio lab.’ here’s a link: http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/ it’s a really smart show and VERY well produced. i’m a big fan of stories and that’s pretty much the method this show uses to stimulate your thinking. it’s brilliant and if you haven’t ever listened to one of their shows, i highly recommend it.

so there it is. a short and sweet update, just like you like ‘em.

i had somewhat of an epiphany while i was grinding out my first session today. i was running terrible, as i have for my last 2000 games, and i realized, i’m just gonna keep running bad until someday it just stops. i know that might not sound like an epiphany to most of you, but what it made me realize is that i’m playing optimally and the results are just going to fall where they may and there’s just not much i can do about it. i think a large part of my recent frustration was because i felt like i was doing something wrong and just couldn’t figure out what it was. i mean, i know i have some small leaks, but nothing that would really cause me to break even over this many games. it’s just variance and hopefully over the next 2000 games it will turn around for me a little bit. in the mean time, i’m not going to get upset any more. it’s dumb to be upset over things you can’t control. well, that’s not totally true, but in this case, it is.

i came across a really interesting article about the act of yawning a couple days ago. it suggests that yawning reduces stress and can bring you into a heightened state of cognitive awareness. here’s a link: http://www.upenn.edu/gazette/1109/expert.html

from now on my response to a bad beat will be to yawn

and as long as i’m throwing links around willy nilly, here is a link to the pandora station i like to listen to while i’m playing: The Beatles Radio. i’ll probably put this in the sidebar along with a couple other stations i have in the near future.

that’s all for now.