it’s official

i’m on superlifemonkeytilt right now. here’s a hand history from the very last table of my last session to prove it. at this point i had played 11 tables with one mincash and it was down to this. the guy with 18,000 chips had just doubled up through me for a massive pot because he raised on his button into my big blind with the 2nd largest chip stack (i had 10k, he had 7k) to which i obviously responded by shoving my J5o. naturally, he had pocket queens.

PokerStars Game #34997428999: Tournament #210109978, $15+$1 USD Hold’em No Limit – Level IX (300/600) – 2009/11/06 12:43:21 ET
Table ‘210109978 1′ 9-max Seat #9 is the button
Seat 2: yardle (1965 in chips)
Seat 3: fredskycok54 (3215 in chips)
Seat 6: poketjokers8 (310 in chips) is sitting out
Seat 8: 5_DARE_5 (18440 in chips)
Seat 9: Gruaiggorm (3070 in chips)
yardle: posts the ante 50
fredskycok54: posts the ante 50
poketjokers8: posts the ante 50
5_DARE_5: posts the ante 50
Gruaiggorm: posts the ante 50
yardle: posts small blind 300
fredskycok54: posts big blind 600
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to yardle [6d 8d]
poketjokers8: folds
5_DARE_5: folds
Gruaiggorm: raises 2420 to 3020 and is all-in
yardle: calls 1615 and is all-in
fredskycok54: folds
Uncalled bet (1105) returned to Gruaiggorm
*** FLOP *** [Ad 9s 2c]
*** TURN *** [Ad 9s 2c] [3h]
*** RIVER *** [Ad 9s 2c 3h] [4s]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
yardle: shows [6d 8d] (high card Ace)
Gruaiggorm: shows [Ks Qh] (high card Ace – King kicker)
Gruaiggorm collected 4680 from pot
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 4680 | Rake 0
Board [Ad 9s 2c 3h 4s]
Seat 2: yardle (small blind) showed [6d 8d] and lost with high card Ace
Seat 3: fredskycok54 (big blind) folded before Flop
Seat 6: poketjokers8 folded before Flop (didn’t bet)
Seat 8: 5_DARE_5 folded before Flop (didn’t bet)
Seat 9: Gruaiggorm (button) showed [Ks Qh] and won (4680) with high card Ace

that’s right, a player sitting out with 260 chips left, after posting the ante, and i donk call with 68s (4 places are paid so all i have to do is fold here to make money). why? because the only thing that was going to make things feel right was getting a nasty suckout here. it’s 100000000000000000000% wrong and i can barely even call with pocket kings if i’m trying to make the right play. but at that point, i was so far beyond rational thinking that folding wasn’t even an option for me. i had no idea i was even capable of making such a horrific call.

i’m not sure what to do at this point. i don’t know if i’m capable of playing well but i really hate to take the day off because i’ll just beat myself up for not playing enough games. i’d also like to prove to myself that i’m mentally capable of overcoming this. what i really need is someone else in the room that will punch me in the head when i’m about to do something stupid and irrational.

the plan now is to go to the gym and reassess my mental state when i get back.

My poker journey